a wrestling match I want to lose

Last night I slept…so Valerian served me well!  Moaning came only with movement, changing positions.  Guess I’ll take that stinky smelling herb more often!

All morning it’s been rough; I’m not gonna lie.  I’ve been wrestling again, with God.  And He’s been an awesome partner, as always.  In the physical sport of wrestling it is recommended that you choose a partner who is better than you – someone you can learn from. But that’s where the similarity ends, except maybe for the give and take part.  I’ve been giving a lot to Him lately….like countless tears!  And the comfort, peace and strength that only He can give…I am taking!

Since my life lately seems to have become consumed with navigating a course of action through this maze of muscle loss, joint pain, chronic fatigue and a few other fun physical ailments, I don’t always feel like blogging or sharing how I tread my path.  I want to – it’s why I started this blog – but some days my fingers won’t work the keyboard. On the days that they do work, it hurts and then makes them even worse.  But I know that there is a purpose to all of this or He would not be allowing it.  Oh, I still strive every day to ‘fix’ me.  It is my nature to seek answers, question what I’ve done wrong to exacerbate my condition today, try a little extra of this herb or less of that food.  But at the end of the day, or the middle of the night, or when I can’t move first thing in the morning without help….it all comes down to crying out, sometimes wrestling with my Lord.  Looking for that loss that leads to a win!

Often I have referred to my struggles and crying out to God as ‘wrestling’ with Him.  And it reminds me of Jacob’s famous wrestling match with (a man) according to Genesis 32: 24-31.  Some believe it was an angel, Jesus, or God, that he wrestled with that night. Alone in his camp, afraid that his brother, Esau, was coming to attack him. Just prior to that match Jacob got real with his Lord and acknowledged Him as the father of Abraham and Isaac. He then admitted his fears and he reminded God of His promises to him – the promise to prosper him and make his descendants like the sand of the sea (see Gen 32: 9-12).

As much as the process may hurt, I want to gain a blessing like Jacob did.  Jacob faced God in truth, was humbled, was blessed and received the answer to his prayer.  As he limped away with an injured and painful hip, totally dependent on and trusting God to fight his battle, he was blessed!  His meeting with Esau went much better than he expected (they hugged and cried!).  And God renamed him Israel because he ‘struggled with God and men and overcame’.  Way to suffer a loss in order to win!

I, too, have been blessed as my day goes on….through songs of worship, words I read in scripture, books, articles, even texts and messages from friends.  I’m walking kind of slow and though it’s not my hip, I’ll take the pain as long as God wills it.

Our one-month-old baby granddaughter, and family, is coming to visit this evening.  I had prayed and hoped, since the day we knew she was on the way, that I’d be able to pick her up and rock her in my arms.  Today I will sit down and someone will place her in my lap, where I can gaze into her eyes and touch her and talk to her.  I will not dwell on what I can’t do, but be thankful that I was here to see the miracle of her, just moments after she was born.  Yes, I have pushed the envelope and ‘held’ her a couple of times, even lifted her for a moment with all the strength I could muster (hey, I just wanted to soooo badly)….but then paid dearly for it, later.

Sometimes it’s best to sit back and enjoy the blessings God sends our way, in the exact way He sends them!

About treadin' on high

I have made some very bad choices in my lifetime and those choices took me to some places I had no business going. In January of '94, I became a new creature in Christ. And I have learned no matter what I'm going thru, as long as it is God's will, it's far better than one second of my own! He has a plan and I desire more than anything to be a part of it. I am.....always seeking truth!
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